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Dec. 6th, 2005

I am Fantasia... And 'The Nothing' Has Come

Ok, so I'm nowhere near as awesome as Fantasia, nothing about me is. But 'The Nothing' has come anyway, or so it feels. For those who have never seen that movie "The NeverEnding Story", Fantasia is the place where all that can be imagined exists, but as people stop reading, wishing, and dreaming, an evil force, 'The Nothing' takes over, destroying all, wiping the entire world into an oblivion of nothingness. That's what I'm feeling like at this point... I am being taken over my an empty nothingness. I have noone to talk to anymore, they're always so busy, or popular, or what ever the case may be. I've always been a loner, always alone... but never have I felt quite so alone as I do now. It's like absolutely noone cares anymore... I can feel it... just... emptiness. Once I thought I had found a niche for me in the world, but it's long gone, I fit in nowhere. I am just a young mom, nothing more... and I know no other young moms. There seems to be noone, no 'group' I can fit into anymore... it's just... me.

I've reached that point where my only option is to return to being a Stepford wife. I am unemployable, and now there's no point in even trying, nothing to hope for, and nothing to look forward to. The part I'm dreading the most is killing off my own brain in the process, but that's a big part of it, just doing - there's no room for feeling anymore... or anything else... just the emptiness thats taking over...

Nov. 30th, 2005

:'-(

My boyfriend Jason dumped me tonight. With that went my one bright spot aside from my two daughters and Jade. I suppose I should have known it was coming, I never seem to get to hold onto anything good. Sure, things have been rocky for a little while now, but that was primarily due to a severe lack of communication (I know I really suck at that part). In any case, no doubt the fewest number of people end up getting hurt, although no doubt for all that were it was the most severe of all possible outcomes. I guess that's just the way the ball bounces for me, it seems to be the trend at least. Long story short, I'm about ready to declare myself through with guys... they mean one thing, and one thing only, and that's heartbreak. The sweeter they are, the more it hurts when they ditch you. Granted, I just lost what is no doubt the best one out there, so it shouldn't be so bad again, but I have no desire to test that theory. I get it, no one wants me for more than a short time. It's just as well, I have my two wonderful children, and I always figured I'd be a spinster anyway... now it's just been confirmed. I'm sick of being toyed with, mentally/emotionally kicked, and in all other ways, hurt. I can't take it anymore...

I QUIT.

Nov. 29th, 2005

"Mama"and Fever

Saturday, we welcomed "Mama" into our lives. I renamed her Jade, because of her jade-green marbled eyes, and also because I'm the Mom around here... I figured it was bound to get confusing sooner or later with more than one individual ansering to at least one of the many 'mommy-esque' titles. She must be the coolest lil kitty I've ever had thepleasure of knowing, I swear she knows when I'm feeling lonely, down, or in any other way less than peachy, because she promptly starts being extra entertaining - she's such a pick-me-up. She's extra nice to have around when everyone else is ignoring me... that seems to be her favorite time to demand attention.

Sunday I woke up with a 102.2 fever, and spent almost all day, and Monday in bed, barely able to sit up for more than a few minutes without getting dizzy. I'm still not entirely sure what it was or where I got it, but I'm beyond ecstatic to be rid of it (I hope! I hope! I hope! I hope! *crosses fingers, knocks on wood, kisses lucky horseshoe, and any other good luck traditions I can come up with*). That was an incredibly rough couple of days

Nov. 26th, 2005

Happy (Late) Thanksgiving

Ordinarily this is up there on the lame-o-meter for holidays, but this year was pretty good. I made my famous from-scratch rools (they were almost as big a hit this year as year before last), and had a blast hanging out with my cousins. Even better, they watched my kids! *does happy dance* The downside is that I got seriously gypped on the alchohol front - there MUST be a conspiracy to keep me from drinking while I'm 21 dammit!!! I only got 1 glass out of the whole bottle. Ugh... my relatives so totally hog that stuff!! Anyway, I also had an incredibly fre-ing little chat with my cousins, they now know I'm not actually married (THAT was a huge load off my chest - I hate lying about something that stupid!), and how much things suck at home (remember my dad? happy fun times!), and about the whole college thing (that part I'm still waiting for someone to laugh at me aboout...). All in all, it was a pretty good day. Well, except for one thing... I'd told my aunt about the whole 'not married' thing, and Carlos didn't exactly take it well - that added a bit of tension to the evening. Still, I had fun, and so did Sasha and Sonya, they were a big part of the life of the party.

Nov. 21st, 2005

My Day in Hell

My mom's car was broken into last night. The steering column was torn open, and the starter busted, obviously, someone was trying to steal it. We were in EB Games when she called, she had been on the way to the store when she found it. The driver's side front window is always left down a couple inches because it doesn't work right, but it had been forced down a bit further, the caddy was knocked over, and part of the starter was even on the floorboard. It was kind of scary, especially to think it's your own mom's carm and so close to her own apartment. We went over there, I drove her to the store and to rent a car. Now, the fun part: she rented from Alamo, and good god!!! That place is a nightmare to get into, especially in the dark; nothing is clearly marked, it took the third driveway we tried to even find the visitor's parking. There's a few 'Visitor's Parking' signs with dainty little arrows pointing back toward the parking lot, but they're little more than banners, and crappy ones at that, NOT clearly pointing where to go, especially in the dark. On the upside, she did end up with the COOLEST rental car - a 2006 Silver PT Cruiser!! (I'm soooo totally sold, I HAVE to have one someday!!!) It was funny though, the three people in front of her were just sent to certain rows and told to "pick one, the keys are in the ignition". That really doesn't make sense to me, how do they know who has what car? But they told her which specific spot to got to, and it's a PT Cruiser. We both almost screamed, especially when we saw it was silver. She just drove it the couple of blocks home, and is already lovin' it - she wants one, and we're going PT Cruisin' tomorrow.

As for me, the ex spent pretty much the whole day riding my ass about pretty much everything. He's driving me absolutely crazy...

Nov. 20th, 2005

"Mama's" Mom To Be

I'm adopting a cat. Yes, you read that right, I, who haven't gotten along with a cat since I was 16, am getting a cat. Her name (now, at least) is Mama, since she was dropped off to be taken care of with her litter of kittens and three dogs and were never picked up. We went to Petsmart today, looking at cats (sort of, at the time, it was still just an idea in consideration). I had been eyeing an orange female tabby named Jinx for awhile, but she's been adopted. Then there was Mama... she was in a cage by herself, alongside two bigger cages of cats, one containing a huge orage Persian and a grey-ish striped one, and the other containing her own kittens, all of which were in the same area with all the dog cages. (Petsmart has different rescue groups bring dogs to the store for adoption weekends every weekend.) At first I didn't really pay much attention to her, since she was snoozing, but I couldn't resist petting her, and wouldn't you know it? She's just the absolute sweetest kitty!! The lady currently taking care of her even said we could just take her as long as she'll have a good home, and get to stay inside all the time. That's fine, too... no dead mice and birds and whatnot outside the front door. Best case scenario out of all this: I finally get a new best friend... goodness knows I need one, at least she'll be SOMEONE to talk to (god I hope... *crosses fingers* I'm so lonely :'-( I miss having someone to talk to). Worst case scenario out of all this: she won't like me much, (Who does anymore? ... or so it seems) but Sasha will be entertained. In any case, she seems to like me ok so far... she even 'talked' to me ("meow") one of the last times I said goodbye to her, and that I'd see her soon... that seems somewhat promising.

Nov. 16th, 2005

Blindness And An Injured Pony

It's been something of a rough day. First off, Sasha got ahold of my glasses, now they're all bent and don't really sit right. I've kind of got them fixed a little, but they're still a little funny.

The Pony (my beloved 1993 Mustang) is currently injured. The landlords basketball goal fell on it, denting and scratching the trunk lid. Now, that may sound like a freak mishap, and nothing to worry about... but the thing is, that damn thing has already fallen over at least twice before, narrowly missing my car both previous times. The part that pisses me off though is that it HAD fallen before, and been set right back up without being refilled to AVOID future mishaps, such as this one. Naturally, it's NEVER been set up around anyone else's vehicles, particularly those that own it. Oh, for added fun, these are the same people that were a little uppity about how many vehicles would be parked in the driveway, meanwhile the new tenants that moved into the 1-bedroom have 3 (yes, 3) vehicles, not all of which I beleive even run, and are certainly not all always used. Don't even get me started on the Surburban that's almost always blocking off half the driveway, making it highly difficult to get in and out. That leaves exactly one spot for my Pony to go, and clearly it's not a safe one. All I can say is I expect it to be fixed by those responsible, considering it is private property damage due to total neglect of an improperly set up basketball goal.

Nov. 10th, 2005

The Ups and Downs: A Rollercoaster Ride

It's been a rather wild evening for this young mommy of two: first off, we went to Walmart and actually met Brandon Backe of the Houston Astros. He was ther doing a meet and greet, signing autographs and all. It was pretty awesome, I got his autograph and a few pictures to prove it, although apparently SOME people don't know how to aim a camera properly. Oh well, I still have more proof than I do of when I met Chris Truby a few years ago. That was obviously the high point of the evening... for that matter, the whole week.

The Downs: after getting home, Sasha was being a little whiny, and after about the tenth time or so of telling her 'no' or 'settle down' I admit, I did yell at her. That's not the down part though... she's 2 years old, she does that, it's normal. No, the down thing was the ex jumping MY ass about doing so, and telling ME about 'good parenting'. HA! First off, it's usually at least about a half a dozen times before I yell at her, second, he yells at her constantly, too. I'm also NOT the one that curses incessantly in front of her... he is. I am also NOT the one that gets to zone out in front of video games and tv... oh no... I have to multitask - I've become the master at killing things on WoW and Guild Wars and the like with one hand. Funny, isn't it? I'm the one with them both 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and the only one that goes solo with them for half the day, I haven't really slept in a couple weeks, and HE wants to lecture ME about 'GOOD PARENTING'?!? What the hell?!?!?!? He plays rough with Sasha until she cries, and I'M the bad parent? She doesn't listen to me because he's taught her not to, while I bite my tongue many, many, many times a day to show her how to respect the other parent, and I'm the bad parent? I would dearly LOVE to see how he'd fare 48 hours on his own with two young children... now THAT would make a worthwhile reality show...

Nov. 9th, 2005

Omigod... I'm Rory... And It's Been A Crappy Night

Last night, on Gilmore Girls, Jess came back and made Rory realize that the person she's become isn't 'Rory'. She has been living with her grandparents, joined the DAR, and spends all her time partying, drinking, and attending various functions... very un-Rory-like. She finally realized how she has been wasting all her time on so many things that don't matter instead of going to school generally being Rory. Now, while I'm raising kids instead of partying, going to lame ass functions and dating a jerk like Logan, I'm not doing anything else, either. The last time I did something beneficial for a community, I was 17, still in high school, and finishing up my mandatory service hours. The last time I went out on an actual date, I was 15. The last time I did much of anything at all, I was 18 and graduating from high school. The part that I don't quite get is how everything ended for me so quickly. It's almost like just waking up to realized that somewhere along the line I completely missed out on my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my children, they are my primary reason for getting up in the morning, and I wouldn't trade a single second of time with them for anything else in the world. However, I'm starting to see that I am short-changing them in the process, I'm hardly much of a role model for them, having never accomplished anything, and I'm certainly not setting a good example in any way of how to be. I can push all I want for them to be who they want to be, but without any kind of visual or example to the effect, I have my fears that all the pushing in the world won't be enough. Aside from them and Jason, there is virtually no substance to my life right now... I tend to my girls, chit chat with him (when he's talking to me... but more on that later), and play games. That's it. Nothing more. I don't know when things got so... empty. I don't know what to do about it either. While I never have had much in the way of 'people skills', any that I ever DID have are not only gone, but in the red. Somewhere along the line, I've developed such a case of social anxiety that the concept of any interaction with almost any other person sends me into a sort of anxiety-attack state: I can't think, can't breathe, can't see straight, my chest hurts, my heart pounds, nothing makes sense... it's like a complete panic that shuts down my entire body. It's a truly horrible feeling, and I'm at a complete loss as to what to do about it. As far as Jason goes, I love him sooo much (god I hope I'm not jinxing everything I've got with him on this!!), he's no doubt the single greatest guy in the world. It's not every day that a guy will ACTUALLY sit with a girl, during a first in-person meeting, for hours on end while she cries over stress and fear of going home to an ex that's been harassing her the ENTIRE time she's been out of the house. He did. He met up with me, SuAnn, and Rebecca (my little sisters) for pizza one day a couple of months ago. After eating, we all went back to SuAnn and Rebecca's for a bit, and I sat and dried the whole time because Carlos wouldn't leave me alone and let me enjoy a single, solitary day out of the house. Jason sat with me pretty much the whole time, which proves in itself that he's quite a catch, and I'm infinitely lucky to have him. Sometimes I have to wonder though just how mutual the feeling is, and that scares me. I know he has other friends, which is good, at least one of us does... but seeing someone thinner and prettier as a background on my boyfriend's MySpace page is sort of a kick in the stomach. Don't get me wrong, I trust him, and love him... but it still kinda hurts, even though that's not really any of my business. I just wish I could read minds or something... thanks to my own stupidity and insecurity, there's always that nagging fear that I'll lose him.

Now, on the crappy (literally!) night thing. Yes, literally. I was taking a bath earlier when the already icky and quirky plumbing issue started up again. Only thing time, instead of coming up through the regular bathtub drain, the dirty water from elsewhere in the house started pouring in from that upper drainy-thingy... you know, the one that's supposed to keep the tub from overflowing. It was absolutely disgusting, thank goodness I'd at least gotten my hair washed. The landlord said it was probably waterfrom their garbage disposal (as if that's even remotely comforting!!) or lint from the washing machine that had gotten into the pipes... it sure didn't smell like lint to me. In any case, the only way I managed to get clean was a sponge bath in the kitchen sink... I still feel gross from the ordeal. The part that I think pisses me off the most was the landlords nonchalantness of the whole thing. I found out earlier that it's been a chronic problem with that bathtub... excuse me, but that strikes me as the sort of quirk you should tell a tenant BEFORE they move in, as well as have fixed promptly. It is, plain and simple, a HEALTH HAZARD... dirty, used water backing into a bathtub (while a bath is in progress, no less), where a person is supposed to get clean? DIRTY WATER IS NOT CLEAN!!!!! Plain and simple... all I can say, is if my children get sick from that problem, then someone IS going to pay, and they are (mark my words) going to pay dearly.

Nov. 3rd, 2005

Random Venting: EVERYTHING SUCKS

Ahh... I'm long overdue for a good venting session, so here goes:

Plumbing problems suck ass!!! Yes, plumbing problems... I thought once upon a time that I wouldn't see water backing up because it's going down elsewhere. Boy oh boy was I wrong!!!!! I have what is apparently an 'unfixable issue' that every time the washing machine empties, the water backs up in the bathtub (or, if the bathtub is plugged somehow, the kitchen sink). It's gross, and no doubt a health hazard... but is it being fixed? NO!!! Sasha asked for a bath and I had to tell her I'd give her one tomorrow, since in order to give her one, I'd have to clean the tub - that is a little on the pointless side seeing as I still have a bit more laundry to do. There's just no freakin' way to please everyone, is there? I just know that I am getting very, very sick of trying... it's utterly pointless, I'm tired, and no one really seems to care anyway.

I've concluded my custom content (including the houses I've been so proud of) are incredibly lousy. Compare yourself: http://thesims2.ea.com/mysimpage/mysimpage.php?simpage_id=5037 (my stuff) and http://www.parsimonious.org/ (other stuff). Needless to say, that's put a HUGE damper on that bright idea to become an architect, obviously that would be an astounding waste of time, and to think, I somehow convinced myself that my own was any good. Who was I kidding? I ought to know by now that I suck at everything I encounter, and should have been drowned at birth...

Which brings me to my next point: I have actually been told (through the grapevine, of course... I never get to know anything first hand where my paternal relatives are concerned)that I am a constant disappointment. We had gone over to my mom's before one of the World Series games, and while we were there, my dad called her. She told him about how I had dressed both of my girls in Astros gear, and his reply was how I continue to disappoint him. It surprised me how hard that hit, given it has been common knowledge for me for years. I knew at the tender young age of five years old that my sister was the favorite. It's funny what a blow that can still be when you actually hear it... that hurt way more than I ever thought it would or could. It just makes me wonder how it would be if I hadn't seen my 17th birthday... bet that would have thrilled him. Things would no doubt be easier for me...

Sasha has started potty training... that's proving to be rough, seeing as there seem to be no decent sources online on how to do it, and I'm thoroughly clueless. It doesn't make it any easier that I'm having virtually no help or support on the matter. Or anything else lately, as far as that goes. Who knew I was expected to do everything as soon as there were two kids in the picture? Oh well, no one else seems to care, so here goes the Stepford scenario once again... zombies sure have it nice, don't they?

As far as everything else goes: I'm sick of fighting, sick of being alone, sick of being ignored, sick of sucking so bad at everything I attempt, just plain sick of pretty much everything... I get it, no one cares. This would be more old news, but for some reason it's been hitting me way harder lately... now, if only that would be the front of a bus instead of crappy old news...

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