Now, on the crappy (literally!) night thing. Yes, literally. I was taking a bath earlier when the already icky and quirky plumbing issue started up again. Only thing time, instead of coming up through the regular bathtub drain, the dirty water from elsewhere in the house started pouring in from that upper drainy-thingy... you know, the one that's supposed to keep the tub from overflowing. It was absolutely disgusting, thank goodness I'd at least gotten my hair washed. The landlord said it was probably waterfrom their garbage disposal (as if that's even remotely comforting!!) or lint from the washing machine that had gotten into the pipes... it sure didn't smell like lint to me. In any case, the only way I managed to get clean was a sponge bath in the kitchen sink... I still feel gross from the ordeal. The part that I think pisses me off the most was the landlords nonchalantness of the whole thing. I found out earlier that it's been a chronic problem with that bathtub... excuse me, but that strikes me as the sort of quirk you should tell a tenant BEFORE they move in, as well as have fixed promptly. It is, plain and simple, a HEALTH HAZARD... dirty, used water backing into a bathtub (while a bath is in progress, no less), where a person is supposed to get clean? DIRTY WATER IS NOT CLEAN!!!!! Plain and simple... all I can say, is if my children get sick from that problem, then someone IS going to pay, and they are (mark my words) going to pay dearly.
Last night, on Gilmore Girls, Jess came back and made Rory realize that the person she's become isn't 'Rory'. She has been living with her grandparents, joined the DAR, and spends all her time partying, drinking, and attending various functions... very un-Rory-like. She finally realized how she has been wasting all her time on so many things that don't matter instead of going to school generally being Rory. Now, while I'm raising kids instead of partying, going to lame ass functions and dating a jerk like Logan, I'm not doing anything else, either. The last time I did something beneficial for a community, I was 17, still in high school, and finishing up my mandatory service hours. The last time I went out on an actual date, I was 15. The last time I did much of anything at all, I was 18 and graduating from high school. The part that I don't quite get is how everything ended for me so quickly. It's almost like just waking up to realized that somewhere along the line I completely missed out on my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my children, they are my primary reason for getting up in the morning, and I wouldn't trade a single second of time with them for anything else in the world. However, I'm starting to see that I am short-changing them in the process, I'm hardly much of a role model for them, having never accomplished anything, and I'm certainly not setting a good example in any way of how to be. I can push all I want for them to be who they want to be, but without any kind of visual or example to the effect, I have my fears that all the pushing in the world won't be enough. Aside from them and Jason, there is virtually no substance to my life right now... I tend to my girls, chit chat with him (when he's talking to me... but more on that later), and play games. That's it. Nothing more. I don't know when things got so... empty. I don't know what to do about it either. While I never have had much in the way of 'people skills', any that I ever DID have are not only gone, but in the red. Somewhere along the line, I've developed such a case of social anxiety that the concept of any interaction with almost any other person sends me into a sort of anxiety-attack state: I can't think, can't breathe, can't see straight, my chest hurts, my heart pounds, nothing makes sense... it's like a complete panic that shuts down my entire body. It's a truly horrible feeling, and I'm at a complete loss as to what to do about it. As far as Jason goes, I love him sooo much (god I hope I'm not jinxing everything I've got with him on this!!), he's no doubt the single greatest guy in the world. It's not every day that a guy will ACTUALLY sit with a girl, during a first in-person meeting, for hours on end while she cries over stress and fear of going home to an ex that's been harassing her the ENTIRE time she's been out of the house. He did. He met up with me, SuAnn, and Rebecca (my little sisters) for pizza one day a couple of months ago. After eating, we all went back to SuAnn and Rebecca's for a bit, and I sat and dried the whole time because Carlos wouldn't leave me alone and let me enjoy a single, solitary day out of the house. Jason sat with me pretty much the whole time, which proves in itself that he's quite a catch, and I'm infinitely lucky to have him. Sometimes I have to wonder though just how mutual the feeling is, and that scares me. I know he has other friends, which is good, at least one of us does... but seeing someone thinner and prettier as a background on my boyfriend's MySpace page is sort of a kick in the stomach. Don't get me wrong, I trust him, and love him... but it still kinda hurts, even though that's not really any of my business. I just wish I could read minds or something... thanks to my own stupidity and insecurity, there's always that nagging fear that I'll lose him.