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December 2012

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We Need To Talk

Ok, so I need to talk. Ideally This would be a two-sided conversation with feedback that goes beyond being ragged on about how everything I say and do is very very wrong, and about how much I so thoroughly suck, but that's clearly not happening, so goddamnit, I'm gonna talk for once. Go ahead, give me all the crap about it you want, but so help me, this once I'm saying my piece and getting it out of my system.

- I'm sick of being treated like shit beneath your shoes. Maybe I am over-picky or demanding or whatever, but the way I see it, it's polite and considerate to keep those you share living space with informed of your wherabouts and estimated times for coming and going. Especially when it comes to knowing when the ideal time to have the cleaning and what not finished. racing against an invisible mystery clock suck more than you know. Picking up your own trash and dishes and shit is also considered polite and considerate. I have two children, unless your name is Sasha or Sonya and you live here, I am NOT your mother, even so, past the age of about 10, you should be picking up after yourself reliably anyway. Leaving a used pizza box atop another person's laptop is cold, dude.

- I'm a fucking PERSON, communicate with me. I'm not furniture, or an inanimate object. I rarely leave the house, but none the less, I am a real, live, living, breathing person. Ignoring me and generally trating me like a machine or robot or the like is definitely NOT cool. I am not a toy you can stuff on the shelf or leave lying around until you want what you want. That hurts, actually. It doesn't have to be constant, just fair and considerate. You want 'you time'? Fine, cool, I'm all for it. It'd rock if I could be included once in awhile instead of flung aside like last nights pizza box. I don't exist solely to cater to a whim of yours when you feel like it and that's it. Hate to break it to ya, but it just doesn't work that way. Work with me, compromise with me, look at me. It would save a great deal of heartache and frustration in the long run. Seriously.

- Contrary to popular belief, I am not stupid. I'll admit, I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, but I'm not the dimmest either. I've made some mistakes, including some that were overwhelmingly stupid, and I know that... everyone makes a stupid mistake at some point, there's just no getting round it. The key to it is learning from said mistakes, which I've done. You may now stop pummeling with it, I've learned my lessons.

- I FEEL THINGS. Physical, emotional, psychological... if it's a way to hurt or be happy or sad or tired or anything else that can be labeled a 'feeling' I experience it. I'm not going to apologize for it, either. I feel things. I feel happy. I feel sad. More often than not lately, I feel tired and crappy. I HURT. My tooth hurts before and after a root canal. My heart aches from loss of friends, family, places, things I've known. I feel it all. Deal with it. It comes with being a person, a chick, it comes with it all. I can't stress it enough, I feel things, and I'm NOT going to apologize for it. For whatever reason those around me seem to have no desire in sharing in my rare moment of joy, my moments of pain and sadness are an inconvenience to you? Too bad, I don't like it either. Even the experts say not to hold it all in, it's damaging. I'm damaged enough as it is, inside and out. Holding in what I feel and further inflicting more damage to myself just because it's not convenient for you to be in the vicinity of such things? Too damn bad. I feel it damnit. Shit hurts, it's not exactly 'convenient' for me either, but I don't have a choice, because I feel things. You don't like it? Find a real life Servo.

- I am ME. I come as a package. This package changes and evolves over time, but it's nonetheless a package deal. I have my issues, quirks, hangups, virtues, and more. It all comes together, not as a buffet, take what you want and leave the rest kind of thing. Package deal. I have my social anxiety thing that prevents me from doing things involving humans I don't know. But the thing is, when I'm not collapsing under the strains of stress I've been under as of late, just get the ball rolling and I'm usually fine. The intense anxiety of getting started on something is more often than not the worst of it. It's part of the package. I've never understood where anyone can try and take only a part of a person. Take the wit, outer packaging, and a few interests and leave the rest. It doesn't work that way. I accept people based on the whole package. Cope with the quirks and downfalls, cheer on the good stuff, enjoy what's there. Even the less shiny stuff means something on some level. If you're not after the whole package, then what the hell are you doing? You can't change people into what you want them to be, and if you do, then what did you want with them in the first place? A chew toy? Bad dog. A person IS a package, nobody's perfect, that's just human nature.

- Fulfill the role you claim to be... friend, significant other, family member, whatever... it's more than a title, otherwise what the hell are you doing? Relationships of all categories are hard, and each one takes two people. You cry, I'll cry; you laugh, I'll laugh, need a hand to hold, I'm there. But where are you? That seems to be a good question. What's wrong with us all today only the good is acceptable? That goes back to the package deal point. We can't all be happy and perfect all the time, and those times when everything sucks you should be able to turn to the people who claim (as the 'friend', 'significant other', 'family' titles imply) for support and guidance. If you can't turn to them, who is there? Live together, die alone, right? (Thank you "Lost"). I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine. It seems fair, and we'd all win that way.

- I am a mom and a homemaker. While admittedly not the best, I try my damndest. Not just with those two roles, either. I always try so hard. I'd seriously love to know why it never seems to be good enough. Cut a person some slack, willya? There are never enough hours in the day or the energy to be found to get it all done. Aren't we supposed to take turns and share? Patience is a virtue. Or better yet, lend a hand, we could have fun and get it done faster, y'know. I try so freaking hard to make everyone happy, yet more often than not it seems the harder I try the less happy everyone gets... I've tried even not trying, and that miraculously only made things worse. By all means, either be jazzed by my exhaustive efforts or keep it to yourself. I AM A FUCKING HUMAN BEING. My energy and strength have limits, every waking moment has been spent trying to make someone somewhere happy. Thank you, I've failed miserably, I get it, you may quit kicking me over it now, my ribs hurt. I'm not a mind reader either. So many efforts have been done blind, if that's the problem, drop a hint, or deal with it. Pick one. I'm tired. Tired and out of ideas.

All this has been building for a good many years at this point. Not from one specific person at a given time, but many, over a great deal of time. Holding it all in is making me crazy. Go ahead, get mad, bitch me out. I expect no one to understand any of it, although it would be the pick-me-up quirk of a lifetime if someone out there did. Damnit though, it's been in there, snowballing, getting bigger and hurting more for a very long time. I offer no apologies. I need a turn to talk and here it is.


I know that I haven't been around lately to help you. I'm not much for phone conversation, but if you need to vent you can catch me online or shoot me an email. :) Love you.